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By Christopher Whurr
Great, you're hired. Welcome to the Faronic Foods, Sinus Medii team. We'll train you in on Monday. For now, though, I would like to give you a tour of our store; follow me. Have you ever shopped here before?
Oh, you've only been here a few days. Well you will find that this store is state of the art. It was built seven months ago, a prototype for other Faronic Foods soon to come on line - making us the biggest chain of stores to be situated on the moon. The staff here are very friendly. Some people you'll see more than others; it just depends on when you're scheduled.
Everything will be explained in excruciating detail when you are trained in with the other new applicants. This quick tour is just to give you an idea of what's what. Here we are, the ground floor, the epidermis of our trade if you will. This is Exit-side, the most elaborate area of the store. Its appearance is important because after all this is the last thing the customer sees before leaving our fine establishment, or for the rare few, it's just the last thing they see.
Those doors lead to tunnels for the outer airlock and also the car port. These are the checkout points. The customer slots their cart of groceries into this side, the computer reads the EPC of each item and totals the bill. Your job will be to take, the customer's money and push the button that sends the cart through this side where the groceries are packaged. People generally use their purchase cards, but there are some (usually the older generation) that prefer to use currency. All problems, like people with bad credit, get sent to customer service, but you'll learn all about that on your first day.
The express lanes are strictly enforced. If a customer uses an express lane illegally, as in, if they have more than ten different items, the computer randomly chooses items to return to the store. It removes products until the total is brought down to ten. Generally the items chosen are the least expensive or the most important, whichever is most inconvenient to the customer, and an additional ten percent is added to their bill. All this compensates for any inconvenience caused to other people waiting in line.
Our store does not accept coupons; they are gradually being phased out. When was that . . . May '35, almost a year ago, someone discovered that coupons were part of a practical joke that had been started decades ago and hadn't been stopped. It had become a way of life to some until the truth was unearthed. Did you know people would spend hours cutting out little pieces of paper in order to save themselves money? It turns out that not only did they unnecessarily waste time, but ended up spending more money than normal just by buying products that had a coupon. Oh, you remember seeing that story on the news - fascinating, wasn't it?
This is customer service; all product requests, refunds, returns, and customer complaints are handled here. This is Sheila, she's on duty this afternoon. Oh! Step back please! That three by two metre area on the floor in front of the desk is actually an Arinthian plate. It is used for extremely rude customers or those with completely unjustified problems with our store or products herein. It was even used in our one and only holdup as well. The customer service employee pushes a button behind the desk and twenty thousand Akrons are pulsed through the plate - POOF - the customer is instantly vaporised. There's no more, "Liquid clean-up at customer service;" that was back in the late '20's. The county of Lunar-one believes that any person deemed by customer service to be "annoying for no good reason" has the right to be put out of their misery as it would be doing said person a favour and would obviously be doing something kind for the rest of humanity. The whole incident is recorded on disc and reviewed by the county to ensure that the vaporisation was justified. This new technology doesn't repulse any of the other customers as it used to; there is no bad smell left behind, and it oxygenates the air supply.
Just be careful when you are near this desk. Last month we had one customer complaining that her teanoodle was bad. Remember that one, Sheila? It was obvious that she hadn't even bothered to refrigerate it and, as with all perishable products, if you don't take care of it of course it will go bad. Anyway, Sheila here deemed that the lady's complaint was totally unjustified due to a lack of intelligence, and vaporised the woman and her bad teanoodle right there and then. Unfortunately, at that time there was a new employee that had been running errands for the C.S.E. and had forgotten about the plate. Took his leg right off.
No, he doesn't work here anymore; our store's appearance requires perfection. In losing a leg he became defective, therefore spoiling the look of the store. I think he moved back to Earth. So again, be careful, because when you're wearing your uniform, a perfect appearance is of the utmost importance. You must look presentable at all times, you know, no messy hair or anything like that. If you have bad eyesight, don't wear glasses; get implants. Skin imperfections, use makeup. A crooked tooth, get it straightened; you get the picture. If a customer looks as if they haven't washed in four decades and have just come back from climbing Olympus Mons, then that's just fine; it's the employees that concern me. No imperfections, got it? Good.
Over there are the restrooms. Watch out for the third stall down: there's an Idaen water snake living inside the pipes of that one and the exterminators haven't been able to catch it yet. So far the score is snake, four children, Zap-It pest control, zip.
This is the main floor, the heart of the business. Without it customers would walk around aimlessly pushing carts for no apparent reason. Fifty-six aisles of provisional wondennent. If there's a product you don't see in our store, more than likely you haven't looked hard enough. Although, if a customer is having difficulty finding a certain item, customer service can help; they have the ability to hazard a guess at where it might be. But it is necessary to know what the product is called. "I don't know the name of it, but it comes in a yellow box about so big," is the kind of statement that will get you vaporised.
Everything is stocked daily: each by category, then alphabetically by type, not brand name. The only thing not stocked is bread. Our bread wall is located by the entrance. As the shopper comes into the store they select the bread they require from our extensive menus on the touch-screens. The bread is then baked while they shop; it's delivered to the checkout point when the customer arrives. This way the bread is fresher and it cuts down on shelf mites - those annoying little creatures that have a fondness for bread and tend to inhabit any areas used to store great quantities of it.
Shoplifting has been eliminated. We installed the patented Faronic Compuscan Laser. As you can see, the devices are strategically placed all over the ceiling. These gadgets continually track the Electronic Product Chip of each and every item. Anything that is read as being concealed within fabric is used as a targeting point for the laser. The laser efficiently changes the target item and the suspected shoplifter into a particle cloud that eventually gets removed by the store's air filtration system.
Back over there, behind the large red metal doors, is our storage area. All products are kept there until they are needed for restocking the shelves. The storage area is run by Ivor, a New-breed. He looks as if he'll eat you alive, but he's quite friendly really. You have no need to know about how things run back in the warehouse. It is very rare that you'll ever need to go back there.
Now let's see, did I forget anything? You'll become familiar with the rest of the staff as you work here. I think I already mentioned that. Um, oh yes. On a work day, you punch in when you enter the store and punch out upon leaving the store at the end of your shift. If you are planning on walking home please remember to suit up before going out the door. The last newcomer to the moon we had working here was back when we first opened. It had been a busy day. She worked hard yet was still quite happy by the end of her shift. I should remember, I was by the exit doors thanking customers for shopping during our grand opening. She walked by singing to herself, said a cheerful good-bye, and proceeded down the short corridor to the exit. She must have forgotten that she wasn't on Earth anymore . . . walked straight out of the airlock and practically turned herself inside out. Ooo, makes me shudder just thinking about it.
Well that's about it. Everything else you'll be taught during training. If you have any questions or concerns please don't hesitate to ask. We do try to care about our employees here at Faronic Foods. It was nice to meet you. I guess we'll see you on Monday.
